Motivation. Ah motivation. I had such high hopes for all the work I was going to complete last night after yoga, not to mention finishing my blog entry, and some how, none and I mean none of it happened.
Last night sucked and I think it affected my motivation. No man, no dog. The absence of both was what led me to originally think that I might get my work done, late into the evening. But when I got home after yoga, to have a quick bite and set the VCR to capture Boston Legal (screw American Idol, I want my House), I got all depressed that Halley was not there to greet me. It was not as prominent the night before, since I went to TSB's for the night. But last night, I was home, alone, and frankly a bit lost. I miss my dog. I miss griping about walking her at 11 PM in February in 4 degree weather. I miss her little paws raking at the covers, demanding I raise them so that she may burrow deep to the warmest part. I miss her sleepy eyes and her whole body shakes that can throw her off balance and after 9 years she still gets surprised by that. I even miss having to think that I have to pick up all of my clothes so that inquiring canines don't discover the nethergarments that dogs so famously fancy.
UGH.
But on to the more general, over arching reasons for my lack of motivation: namely 1.) TSB, 2.) projects for new niece, 3.) work being done in therapy, 4.) money.
Well, if last night is any indication, I have gotten really accustomed to TSB's presence. Not that I did not enjoy my alone time. I relish it. but I enjoy the company too.
2.) Projects for niece are almost complete in the short term, i.e. those to be delivered at the end of the week when I travel to Houston. I have not finished the penguin - did not even have the motivation to knit - because if I started knitting then it would be like I was accepting the fact that I was staying home and not going back to the lab. I even watched some TV with my coat still on. Sad, I know.
But realistically speaking, once I have finished the projects for the niece in the short term, I can go back to all the projects I had started before everyone I knew was pregnant - namely two dresses, a shirt, two sweaters, umpteen skirts, a kitchen apron in an old-timey style. There are so many projects on my table I am sure I am forgetting some. I miss doing things for me, selfish as that sounds, I like making nice things that I can then show off. F* it, I am selfish and vane. There, I admit it. It is just that the projects for me do not have time constraints. So there is no driving force other than my various yens for either knitting or sewing or what have you. Oh, pillow shams. There pillow shams in that pile as well. Just remembered.
3.) I have mentioned the therapy a couple of times, and I am not ready to discuss the why. But I just might talk about the what... The addressing of my various demons requires time. Time to recover after my Monday sessions. Turns out I am uber over achiever and I would just power through and not acknowledge my feelings of discomfort or anxiety. And that was adversely affecting my work. So, with much urging from my peoples, I *give* my self permission to not go back to work on Monday nights after my meetings. I have given my self permission to knit, or shop, or go to a movie, or just drive around for hours. Things that don't require higher level cognitive function and allow my brain and psyche to refocus. But I feel guilty about taking the afternoon off, especially since I haven't been working weekends lately. Grad students don't take this much time off.
Sidebar - The German Nicaraguan and I used to make fun of our labmate, UConn, while he was planning his wedding last year. Mostly because he was working so little and focusing so much on his wedding. In retrospect, his quality of life was good, he kept his now-wife happy and the wedding was superb. But we were superior, snarky, competitive grad students making these comments. Thank God TGN has graduated and is not here to see how little I am working and how distracted I have been lately.
Also, this whole therapy thing requires a journal, something I have been keeping intermittently (that takes time). Then I stress when I don't keep it (that takes time). Then I stress ahead of my session each week, thinking that I have been a bad patient, not keeping enough of the journal (that eats even more time). Arg - it is a vicious cycle.
4.) Money - well this is a perpetual issue especially in my grad school years. I don't see it going away anytime soon. It just requires bandwidth in my thought processes, and that eats up time and motivation.
5.) Undergrads in the lab and general lab duties/ responsibilities - I just thought of this one. It turns out that at one of the senior lab members I get asked a lot of questions. Apparently, I am in the know. Who knew? Anyway, the nature of my boss' management style is hands off. Which works well for me, since by and large I can plan my own experiments, can order my own chemicals, can figure out software and computer programs, or at least die surfing the web trying to find resources. In short, I am generally self sufficient.
This is not true of the newer lab members, namely the undergrads and one of the postdoc.
When I was being trained as an undergrad, I was *given* to the lab manager, who made sure I was proficient on instruments and with equipment and techniques before letting me run wild. But we have no lab manager here, and the young'uns are allowed to run free, with little to no supervision until they screw something up. Then I have to go in and fix it. Some days I wear my headphones but don't have anything on, just so they will leave me alone.
The new postdoc is different - she has experience asking for help - and sometimes (more often than not) asks for help before even trying to figure something out. Which means that on more than one occasion I have had to explain something really really basic. This breeds contempt on my part. It indicates to me that she is either lazy or timid - both cardinal sins in my book. I think it is more timid, though.
Yes, laziness is a cardinal sin, thus my current mood where I am down on myself since I myself am lazy lately.
Yesterday, one of the undergrads asked for help on the diode, which is my baby so I am obligated not only as senior grad student but also as keeper of the instrument to make sure he is trained. I stopped my procrastinating about my notebook and started to instruct on the diode and software. While we are doing this, he starts asking some basic questions that really should have been asked weeks ago. These are questions that are answered by experience but the answers meant that everything he had done two weeks ago were for naught. I felt bad, it is a shame no one thought to clue this kid in. It would have saved him some work. It would have saved me some work, too, because after I told him that it was all crap, he asked me how to get it not to be crap anymore. DNA has a 1/2 life of like 3.4 billion years - but cells die and E. coli don't last for more than a night or two in solution at 4 C. And minipreps don't always give you the yields they promise, especially if you are doing them for the first time. So, dude, you are stuck with three week old dead liquid cultures, infinitesimally small amounts of DNA for cloning and sequencing and you tossed your plates. Basically, fucked. If I were you, here is what I would do... but I am not you, I do not know your project, your goals, where you have been and where your next focus should be. Sorry.
Wow, just had a fabulous conversation with a rotation student about - of all things - face cream. It is so nice to have a girl around here again. Yeah, boobs!
ciao
