Ah so

I got chided by TSB for only posting at the beginning of the month, so
TTThhhhhhhhbbbbbtttttttsttsttt!

Now that I have that out of my system - I can write about something else. Lately, I have been experiencing a crisis of motivation. It rears it's ugly head at the most inopportune times. And my attentions have been diverted of late, with many distractions, so what is suffering is my work.
Well now, my work suffered this last summer with my ever so teensy bout of depression. I am reasonably sure I am not depressed right now. Drugs help. Different circumstances help. The annoying grad student in the Stoopid group left. New therapist helps - this one actually works for me. And while my life is far from perfect, it is manageable. Which means I should be rockin' on the data gathering and the manuscript writing and the job talk/ interviewing but... alas... no. Fuck.

Diversions in my attention - 1.) TSB, 2.) projects for new niece, 3.) work being done in therapy, 4.) money. I am sure there are others and I will think of them while I break down the aforementioned items in the list.
1.) TSB. I cannot complain. I have been single for a very long time. I could be single again and get through just fine. But he fits. Evil. He fits, he's sweet, kind, considerate, caring, smart, hysterical, sexy, witty, tall, hairy, great with Halley and a damned fine excuse to sleep in on Sundays. Only problem is that we tend to sleep in on Fridays, and Mondays, and Wednesdays... Well you get the picture. I had a very full life before - now it just seems to be busting at the seams. But I am being completely stubborn and outrageously selfish and actually taking that time for me. It's been years of coming in on Saturdays and Sundays and getting the lab work done. Staying late and not having the social/ dating life. I think I deserve it.
2.) It seems as it I have been making things for my niece ever since I first found out that my sister was pregnant last May. This is on top of the other projects that I do for my own self, friends and/or sanity. Most of these projects have been doable, and would be better if I didn't double or treble up on them. Stupid over-achiever. ok, off to yoga...
ciao

Monday really could have gone better

I found out this weekend that blizzards are more fun with company. The weekend was spectacular, from the first insistent kiss on Friday night to the more assured smooch in the car this morning, dropping off TSB at his car stowed in the parking lot down the street. This weekend surprised me in a whole bunch of ways - I was obsessed with cooking and cleaning. I get this way right before I start my period - unable to leave dirty dishes, wanting to whip up gourmet meals, being super creative. I scratched all of those itches this weekend.
Friday we got takeout and watched the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics. There were some seriously comical moments - waltzing cow couples comes to mind - and the really hot Italian dancer that stripped to a body suit complete with vasculature halfway through his performance. Mostly it was a relaxing evening, spent with my "boyfriend" TSB and my dog and some really yummy crazy noodles.
Saturday was pure and utter bliss. Neither of us had anything planned - we just lazed and relaxed. I drank coffee and read. TSB slept, a lot. We took the dog to the Paine Estate and let her run with the other dogs and get high on sniffing butt. It was a really beautiful day out, clear skies and cold but not windy. I walked the pooch a couple of times that day in boxers and a T-shirt and was fine. That evening, I got the huge urge to cook and cook I did. After the dishes of course. I threw together an herb encrusted cod filet and a spinach salad and herb Brittany veggie mix from Trader Joe's. And then I taught TSB some basics of baking (he cooks like a dream, a little chaotic, but it tastes damn good - but has an irrational fear of baking) by making a batch of the pumpkin spice cookies. That recipe is sure fire fabulous and pretty much idiot proof.
Saturday night, after dinner but before the dishes, TSB and I had a bit of a serious discussion, fueled by my unceasing curiosity. I am not sure how the whole conversation got started, but I learned some things along the way about which I am not quite sure how I feel, yet. I really don't expect anybody my age who has had any semblance of a life to be saintly - Lord knows I am not. But some of the choices that TSB has made have caused me to pause, and I wanted to know more about those decisions in context, what the other options (if any) were there, state of mind... extenuating circumstances, yadda yadda yadda. The conversation went on for a long time, I didn't freak out and withdraw, which I find a huge milestone. The dishes didn't get done that night and yes, I was still thinking of them at points during our talk, but they did not get done.
They were there to greet me in the morning, along with 10 inches of blinding snow and 35 mph wind gusts - YEA NOR'EASTER!!!!! I got up and did some shoveling and tried to entice TSB to come outside and play in the snow with me. No luck.
We postponed the impromptu quilting/ B+S until later in the afternoon, when the conditions had improved ever so slightly. QB hosted, offering up some yummy foods and a tabletop upon which we could lay out the ugly squares for the hodgepodge quilt. We ran a bunch of seams, did some knitting, watched last week's House - all while the dog and TSB were snowed in, together, at my place. I made it back later than I thought I might - the roads were hell to drive on - and TSB had done the dishes and coexisted peaceably with my dog. Wow.
Dinner that night was another want to create something from scratch. I swear, I was Martha-fucking-Stewart this weekend - nesting. Don't know what came over me. As I sat on the couch with the dog on my hip and TSB rubbing my feet while watching Grey's Anatomy I had this sudden and intense feeling that this was not my life. This was someone else's life and I was just visiting. It is remarkable how different things are now than, say... the second weekend in December - the one when we had 9 inches of snow. I am actually happy. It seems strange to think it; I haven't quite accepted it. I am quite dubious and I am waiting for the other shoe or the gauntlet or the whole house of cards to come crashing down. Until then, it is a fun ride.
This morning I bid Adieu to TSB and headed to work. I was pulled out of a seminar by the postdoc saying the police needed me to move my car. I walked down to the lot to find my windshield completely smashed in by falling snow and ice. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! Smashed. Not Cracked. Not Chipped. Shards o'Glass - sha-do-bi- shattered. Most of the afternoon was consumed with getting my ins company on the line, making the claim and then getting the windshield people to come by 5 PM. It is taken care of now - I have a brand spanking new windshield and a new found appreciation for my insurance company. Now it is late, I will head home to watch last week's Boston Legal, knit some and try to figure out what the 'surprise' is from TSB tomorrow. Frankly, he doesn't get that he is the surprise - I don't need anything else.
Ciao

No posts of substance lately

Shame on me, I see to be too busy to update my online life. Seems like things have been moving at the speed of sound lately. Not quite ludicrous speed, but quickly, nonetheless.
I got an out-of-the-Carolina-blue email from an old college friend. From what I can gather, he's tons more successful than me right now, at least professionally. I can only hope we can actually stay in touch. I have wondered about him over the years but didn't know how to get in touch. Harder now that I am not in Carolina anymore, too.
Things with TSB are proceeding nicely, if somewhat jerkily. Fits and starts. Mostly from me. Apparently my last serious relationship left me more scarred than I would like to admit, and poor TSB is having to deal with this. I am trying like Hell not to subject him to my particular brand of crazy, but it just pops up at the darndest of times. Case in point:
We spent an absolutely delicious weekend together. It began Saturday night, as both of us were trying to keep in touch with our Other friends on Friday night and Saturday. But we met up Saturday night, we made dinner and watched a movie and tried to go to bed early. Ha, likely story. Yet another marathon night, which was fine, since the only thing we had to get up and do on Sunday was go to QB and DD's for Superbowl at 6 PM. Sleeping in was definitely an option. So we did. Spent a langorous day, doing nothing but playing with the dog and giving each other massages. A perfect way to spend a Sunday in my book. We headed over to QB's for the game, which was great because TSB fits in well with the other mens attached to my female friends. This is very good because I do not have to hold his hand all night long and play chaperone. This was my 6th S-bowl party at QB's and it is populated with some of my oldest friends at Brandeis. This is my adult family, and it was nice to see TSB interact with them. Plus there were fun stories from wild and crazy escapades of the past - can't have TSB thinking he is the only cuckoo one around. All in all it was a great night, even though the Seahawks couldn't pull it out.
We get back to my place after the game and TSB is going to spend the night, even though it is a work night. We put on some music and I laze on the couch while he gives me an ab fab foot rub (I am so a sucker for a good foot rub). We start getting a little heated, he tells me he loves me (not the first time) and I contemplate telling him that I am developing feelings for him. Well, this pretty much put me into an emotional tailspin, the likes of which even took me by surprise. The idea of expressing those sentiments and actually having something behind them scared the ever loving shit out of me and I ended up shutting down and shutting him out. Totally unfair of me and left him dazed and confused. I apologized and began to think that the only way to get out of this is to talk it out (as in therapy) but I am 1.) scared to share that much info so early on, 2.) scared to expose myself that much to anyone in whom I have a vested interest, for fear of driving him away with my Crazy Emotional State and 3.) not sure how to voice my emotions, since this sort of took me by surprise too. Who knew, when faced with the opportunity, this would happen? Not moi! I couldn't deal with his attempts to hug me (we are in the bed by this time) for about 4 hours. Mind you both of us have to go to work at 9 AM, so the fact that it took me that long to work through it and try to find the words to talk but not expose too much was not trivial. I really wish these things would not happen, but in the absence of that, couldn't they at least happen at a more opportune time (not 1 AM!!!)??? Quite honestly, though, he did say the sweetest thing when I said, "If you ever run into X, feel free to punch him for me," he replied with, "Trust me I want to do so much more than that." I don't know, I just feel comforted by such a sentiment.
I felt horrible about Sunday night into Monday morning and in an effort to make up for it broke my own rule of 'no weekdays' and invited him over last night. So much better.
On the protein front, the Akta is still down. I am getting seriously pissed with GE right now. Their incompetence is impinging on my thesis right now, and I am not pleased. Hopefully, this will get resolved this week. The boss is out of town on study section for the rest of the week, so at least I do not have to report nonexistent results. I have managed to prepare two samples for additional ICP-MS analysis, as the chick at UGA said my initial samples were not good. Bullocks. Anyway, the samples, upon concentration are not as pure as I had originally thought. But further purification requires a functional FPLC. AAARRRGGGGH.
I am more broke than usual this week. An unexpected bill from Brandeis set me back and now I am surviving on shoestrings until next payday. I am so ready to not be a student anymore. When I don't have the money to buy TP or do my laundry, then something is seriously wrong. OK, enough bitching.
Carolina lost to Dook last night in a nail biter. They're young and they have a lot of growing to do, but it looks like they just might be able to hold their own aginst more experienced teams. Go Heels!
I am sure there is more - like El Cubano Americano's citizenship party and poker and dinner at TSB's place. If the Akta doesn't get finished tomorrow and I am still this bored, I will write about all that.
Ciao

I have an avatar

random rant 1677365

so I skipped the reception in favor of getting more work done - age old adage that the more time you put into the middle of your thesis the less time it takes to finish, or something like that.
so really, only had to finish up a dialysis - should be easy - at 4 C. Except that the stirplate I used was unplugged, so I plugged it in and walked away for five minutes while I did the sample prep. I come back and the plate is smoking in the coldroom and the plastic beaker I am using is collapsing. Can't use glass, metalloproteins. I check the heat setting but it is at zero. Apparently the heating mechanism does not turn off. Which might explain why this particular stir plate was unplugged, but not why there wasn't a note saying 'I'm broken', or even removal of said stir plate to RT where it might have a better opportunity of getting fixed. Seriously. WTF?
ciao